A good day

So yet again I don't have a job. It's annoying and I'm really beginning to loose the fight. I'm tired of fighting for crap job that aren't even enough to live off of and I really don't understand why I have a degree and am applying to Mcdonalds..its just frustrating. So, now that I ranted the bad I'm going to tell the good..

So last Thursday, I went to see the Nefarious documentary  and was really challenged to really allow God to heal me which is something so many people have prayed many years for me. As life typically goes, I wasn't too sure about how I was to do this. I met a girl from the Lubbock house of prayer who told me about the dream center here and I finally went today. It was incredible. For the first time in a long time I felt I could breathe without judgement..I won't go into massive detail about the conversation but just suffice it to say..it's one of those moments I'll never forget!

I'm not a fan!

Where did I go? How do I really feel? Who am I? I seriously can't remember a time in my life where I felt so lost. I fight most days not to be angry. Angry at God, angry at the church, angry at the way life is going just plain angry. It's not healthy but it's where I am right now. Other than being angry I feel like I failed. Failed people that love me. Failed people who don't even know me but I was supposed to talk to. Failed non-christians who I am the only bible they'll ever read.  I just really need JESUS right now, not one more person telling me what they think I should do or telling me something that they think is encouraging, because more often than not it isn't. I don't need to be told to listen more. I just want to know someone is on my side and accepts me, in this season  I really feel ultimately alone. ABSOLUTELY ALONE which isn't a good feeling.


Sometimes I wish it was acceptable to just wander the earth seeking the answers to the depths of my soul. I keep saying and telling God I feel like the Israelites where they're just wandering in the desert..but the thing about the desert is it was a place of DEPENDENCY! They learned to be completely dependent on Him. Manna spoiled if it was kept after sundown. I seriously want to be that dependent on Him and really think that is what I'm supposed to be learning.  I get asked why not go back in the ministry..truth..I haven't been given permission yet. I know that when it's right the doors will open.

Does this make life easy? Are you kidding me!? This is seriously one of the hardest times of my life..I barely have a job, am staying with some friends who thought they were signing up for a short term commitment and ended up with so much more which just stresses me out. I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else and yet I'm not good enough.

I was asked recently what I wanted with my life and honestly..to be a person who can say..I'm not a fan but a follower. I want to be a follower of Jesus and when you look at what the disciples gave up....it's absolutely crazy and not many people did it. Following is so much more than a prayer and going to church. Its about passionately pursuing Jesus with everything in you. So often all that is heard is the Jesus in a bottle that you rub and you get which is CRAP!!! Seriously! He died and you think He's just going to give you the world that He bled and died for..yeah right..trials and tribulations were promised. Then why do most of my "christian" friends tell me if your experiencing so many hard times then you must not be following Jesus. I'm talking about worship leaders in churches, people who've been in the church for long periods of times. I just don't get it. It's not the Jesus I see in the bible. It's not what I see Him asking of people.

I see Him asking 3 fishermen to drop their nets-their way of living- to follow him.
I see Him hanging out with the social outcasts, the down-and-outs and people that other "religious leaders" wouldn't dare go near. That is the Jesus I want to follow not the Jesus in a bottle!

A life change

So after I got back from the wedding, I came to Commerce and ended up going to the city park which is where a lot of firsts have happened for me. For example:

1. I went to look at stars there with Amy and she asked if God can make all this can't He do whatever you need Him to.

2. 1st children's ministry outreach

3. XA leadership things

4. A converstation with Nathan that I'll never forget..the begining of really understanding grace

Anyway, the original plan was for Devon, Sajeeb and I to go down to the park and just talk..but then we couldn't find Sajeeb! So Devon and I went and talked and prayed. We prayed on the concrete thats been there for ever and its one of those moments I'll never forget. The God of all things reconfirmed to me that I'm his child and He is with me..which in my current circumstances is extremely comforting! He hasn't forgotten me..and I've got to trust him with all 100% of me..bowing sure is difficult..but I'll never be the same..

I have some really big needs right now...that need some really serious prayers

1. I need to know if I'm supposed to be pursuing a teaching contract..I want one but does God..is it the right time or does He have something else

2. If I don't pursue a contract...I need another job..and a place to stay in Lubbock

3. Am I supposed to stay in Lubbock?? Go back to school? Move elsewhere..Lots of ????s not a lot of answers..very short time to answer them in..HIGH stress

In all things..HE is soverign and has a plan! I'm going to stand on that..no matter what..and there is a lot of whats

A Wedding

I got off work on Friday morning not really wanting to have to do everything that needed to be done in such a short time...like finishing packing...changing clothes..even getting home on time. So even leaving for the wedding was a little stressful but way worth it. I landed in Dallas at like 11 and was in Tyler by 3 and then got to hang out with some of my favorite people. All but one of the groomsmen were staying at the hotel with Melissa and I. So the poor guys were like all cramped in one room and then both Melissa and I had our own beds..so I felt kinda bad for them. Chubi didn't even get to Tyler till like 8am and we were leaving at 11am and then he left again at 1am Sat...not much sleep! So anyway...I went with all the groomsmen to Meredith's parents house and ended up get the opportunity to iron all their pants and most of their shirts! I ended up accidentally burning Huy's shirt! We all laugh about it now. The wedding was absolutely amazing! So incredibly beautiful!

The reception was really fun too! I got to dance and have fun with Kason and Jeremiah! It was really funny cuz they dance all the same way to every song.

what does my future hold?!?!?!?!

As I'm writing this I'm literally almost on the verge of tears...which is pretty normal for me...especially here lately.

I started the application process again for teaching...only to find that there are a VERY VERY few Elementary positions...hum...i wonder why? maybe because of all the budget cuts...so what am I supposed to do..Its already been a year since I graduated..what about all those student loans looming over my head..I feel very lied to..what happened to the demand for teachers? What happened to all the opportunities that are supposed to happen when you get a degree...yeah apparently not for me..it seems my degree...useless..which just seeing is hard much less be able to say...so what's next..who knows..i just never thought it would be this hard..all of life suckin at one time...I'm so ready to achieve something.. that is measurable..

a rant

I feel like a complete and total failure. I left everyone I knew loved me and that I loved but for what..the one thing I said I never wanted...the American dream. I so desperately didn't want to turn into that "good christian girl" with all the expectations that come along with it. I'm so hurt and deeply wounded that I don't even know what to do from here. I'm not chasing after some dream that is unattainable just want to know that I'm doing right and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I need to decide what is right for me and do no mater what anyone says and quit trying to meet everyone elses expectations of me or what they think is best. Part of me just wants to go be alone with myself and just think. I wish I could have a thus saith the lord moment and have the doors open. I thought I was someone who could hear God but aparently not..so well see what happens from here!

How do you forgive the man who is the reason your childhood was a crappy as it was and the reason your mom never mothered you? How do I not let past hurts dampen the future

pause..hear the voice of God!

I have been really feeling like I've just needed to start blogging again cuz its not like anyone actually reads it anyway so I can really just have a place to look back when God comes through! I know He will. The hard times never last forever.

I'm really struggling with knowing that I have the ability to be a social individual and since moving I haven't been making friends. I'm struggling with Jesus bad..almost given up a few times. I wonder what is wrong with me. I want a someone here in Lubbock! Not 9 hours away! I'm really not trying to be emo but I want to feel like I'm not just another lonely person pursuing the american dream cuz it gets u no where!

I read this book...which is abnormal...and its been making me think...The book is called Then the shofar blew..and honestly I thought I would absolutely hate it..but its like the 3rd best book eva...for real.. It really will wreck you..when is the last time I stopped long enough to listen to the voice of God..and actually do what He said..I know I don't do it that often anymore..I let so much other stuff get in the way..

Where do I go from here? This seems to be the question I find myself asking more and more each day. I knock on a door. It gets shut(more like slammed) in my face. I have felt like a fish out of water for so long that I don't know when my life is going to be stable. I ultimatum-ed God and yet that door closed yet I'm still not 100% sure of the next step.

This I do know for sure. I'm going to keep knocking. A door will open. He sees my best. He is molding me...which sure does hurt right now but hey if it doesn't hurt then what is the point. Help me to remember that!

deep breath

I have got to stop fighting life. My life is in this huge transition which is just really postponed for a year. I don't regret the last year of my life however I do think transitioning like this would be easier right after college before I really got my heart involved with people. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I want so desperately not to fail at my own life but it seems like the more I try the more I fail. I really want to just press the restart button without leaving the people I love. I feel like i'm ruining friendships by having so much junk happening. Who wants to have a 25 year old who has no idea where her life is going as a friend?

I have no idea how to separate being in leadership and being friends with someone. For the first time since I've known Christ I'm not in "ministry". It's really a weird feeling . I'm sitting on the fifth floor of the library and just thinking about all the things I've believed for and how many I've seen happen! I've got to believe that if it can happen for ministry it can happen for me personally.

I really have grown in the last year though. Trusting God when life seems impossible and seeing Him come through is amazing!