I don't have to live life in fear of God and trying to appease Him. He already paid the price at the culmination of the age. ALL my sin was paid for on the cross and no act of human sacrifice will appease him. He already loves me! He already forgot all sin. Repent and believe that I am restored in His blood!

So wow! If you haven't seen "the gods aren't angry" by Rob Bell you definitely should! Its awesome! You don't have to live in fear of not achieving and appeasing the gods!

oy! That is truly how i am right now. I am so done with fighting its stinking redandiculous! I want to be respected for the individual I am and not some emotional female and I am wondering how long it takes to prove myself. Seriously! I'll be the first to admit that i am emotional but heck who isn't. Live my life for a day and then tell me if you wouldn't be emotional too. So until you walk a day in someone's shoes don't stinkin judge them..FOR REAL!

So i start student teaching in like 2 weeks and still need to take my driving test.

I am in an interesting place in my life right now to say the very least. I am really questioning almost every decision in my life except the fact that I am a child of the most high God.

To be perfectly honest most of my life seems to be crumbling by most peoples standards and I really don't know what keeps me going other than the fact that I know that the Lord Jesus Christ created everything and has a plan for even this time in my life and will work everything out.

I don't actually expect anyone to read this so I guess it is ok to really spill my guts.

So here is a typical thought process that goes through my head.

How did my relationship with Christ get to where it is now? What happened to being madly in love with the Creator and how do I fall back in love with Him?

I desperately need the hand of God to move in my life mostly to show all the nay-sayers in my life that I am not some super duper emotional female who is just wandering through life and really am not sure of anything anymore.

Why do I have a job at Walmart? They aren't willing to work with my schedule and yet I desperately need a job so that if nothing as a teacher opens up I still have some way of making it and i know that God opened that door for me.

Why won't my mom fight? Why is she being so lackadaisical about the situation with my brother and why isn't God listening and moving. I know He loves. So when is the craziness going to stop? I don't even want to ask for prayer anymore because people are tired of hearing about it.

I really am struggling with church and whether or not I am supposed to be there. I don't think I have remembered a single sermon and it takes every fiber of my being just to stay awake during the service and having to go to church is not a good enough reason. I want to want to go and I don't but if i leave i am going to hurt a lot of people but i graduate in december so is it worth leaving all too confusing.

I am really stuggling with many of my relationships and don't really know why.

The only thing I know for sure is I desperately need Jesus.

Sorry about the length for those crazy enough to read this

I really believe that sometimes God has to allow my own human desires to overcome His unexplainable grace and mercy just because of my stubbornness. I say that to say that the great thing about that is that God promised if He loves me he would discipline me. We all fall short of His intended plan and purpose. It amazes me that I know so many people, including myself, that think God just forgives the sin and nothing comes from it. There are still consequences from the sin. Recently I have discovered that all to often humans try to play God and set people on the track of restoration through punishment. When true restoration only comes from the father and grace. Its not the people I have and will hurts fault or problem to come up with a way for me to come back to Jesus.

ITS MINE ALL MINE!

I NEED to rediscover grace all by myself with Jesus and not feel like I am doing it as a punishment for my sin.

Am I stupid enough to think that I didn't hurt people. Heck NO! But these relationships are mine to repair and no one else. I messed up so now I must pay the pauper in my relationships no matter how long it takes.

I would be a liar if I said all this is easy but who really wants easy. I want to say that this is my problem that I created so please let me handle it. Don't tell other people unless you know I have told them or think about how you would feel. BTW: It's gossip to talk about another person's sin.

I am sitting here after church really needing to go to sleep but thinking...What happened to my faith? Man, I have seen the hand of God move miraculously in my life yet I still find myself wrestling with sin and my own doubts. When will it end? Why is my life so crazy? I don't think I can remember a time when I needed God so much and in so many ways.

However, I am done being miserable..come hell or high water...this two shall pass...and joy will come. It always does.

Speak life or Speak death..Choose one..

God's unending GRACE!!!

This blog is dedicated to Nathan Cole and Derek Harvey and the lady at the banquet at HWAG!

This is a story of a woman who should listen more to people God places in her life but doubts herself too much.

As all of my Texas friends know I had a pretty interesting Fall semester. I had 12 hrs of classes and the whole interview process for internship. All in all the semester went pretty well as for the classes but this blog is being written to give GLORY to God for what He did even through my complaining and CONSTANTLY asking HIM what HE thought HE was doing. Crazy huh? Questioning God about my life? I honestly asked God was He trying to ruin my life. Not that I have lived through the whole process of 2 interviews and waiting to find out if i was placed and finding out that i didn't get placed in Commerce and then getting placed in Greenville and then more waiting to find out who my mentor teachers were and even what grade I was placed in. I knew what school I got and wasn't exactly ecstatic about it but dealt with it.

So fast forward to yesterday! The FIRST seminar of the semester! Boy was that SCARY! The amount of paper work is crazy! However a good practice to get into because documentation is VITALLY important in education. The interns FINALLY found out who they were placed with and what grade. I knew I was placed at Travis but I had never been in the school before in my life so that made me extremely nervous! So I sat through seminar and all the info. that was given to us. Then the residents placed at my school volunteer to take the interns to Travis to meet our mentors. (sigh of relief). So what happened was that I got first grade and Kindergarten. My first grade teacher was told to especially use and abuse me..which excites me..because i'll get to help teach kids to read.

Info:
I am an intern for the first semester and am in the classroom 2 days a week and then have seminars on wed. Then the second semester I will be a resident and in the classroom 5 days javascript:void(0)a week.

So this whole extremely long blog is to say, Don't doubt God he is always up to something good and rarely evokes harm(if ever). He will always do what is good for me..even when it seems horrible.

I've been feeling a little stressed as of late. I feel very unprepared for my internship that starts this friday! I want to be there for people in the merce but everything is pointing to moving..its like impossible to get a job in Commerce.! I want to stay though! I really need the hand of God to move in my situation!

DAB in 11 days

I got recommended the Daily Audio Bible (DAB) to help with my New Year's resolution to read the bible and it is truly amazing. Things I have learned in the last 11 days.
1. God will always keep his promises. If He makes a promise than you can carve it into stone and know it will come true.
2. Jesus came to Earth to seperate the real and the fake and to bring the kingdom down. Hallelujah!
3. My perfect Match(hubby) is out there

Things that I find particularly interesting:
- the need for blood to cover sin...
- how things look impossible and then it happens
- how bold the proverbs are..not really ever read them before.

Scripture I want to remember:
Proverbs 3:5-12
Genesis 20-26-The story of Abraham/Sarah/Isaac/Rebekah!

Be prepared..this is likely to be long but i don't really care..its not like anyone reads this anyway..which is actually a good thing.
My questions for God:
1. Why are you leading me down a road that seems to have no end? Am I on the right road? Personally, with children's church, with friends, with life? If not, i need direction in which to go.
2. Why is my relationship with Carolyn so difficult? I truly love her. I wish I was more like her in many ways...and yet I seem to spout off hurtful words..semi regularly.
3. When is my family going to be ok? Why must my little bro go through so much? What is my role in the situation?
4. I know your not silent in my life yet it feels like we're not as close. What can I do to help this?
5. I want to feel like part of the body of Christ yet I don't? Why? and can you help?
6. What am i supposed to do now that I am placed in Greenville? Am I supposed to stay in Commerce? Why do i get so many different opinions? Who am I supposed to listen to
7. Am I doing the right series for children's church? I feel like I am doing them a disservice. I am feeling very unlistened too

As you can see, I have questions for God but I am actively seeking His response..or at least I hope I am! I am sick of taking out my frustrations out on the people I love the most...primarily tiffani, carolyn and michal. I really need answers..