Just trying to find.....

I think I've spent most of my life trying to find something.  Like a lost something.  I've definitely walked my share of a difficult road and many times have asked why so much has been so hard.  I feel like a saltwater fish stuck in freshwater.  Like everywhere I go is wrong. Yet. I'm still searching for something better but I never know what that better is. I just want to have some peace and not feel like I'm always not measuring up. In a lot of ways the narrow road is harder than the wide one but growth always happens in the hard times and there's the promise that everything work together for those who are called..so I'm just standing on that. Somehow all of this will work out and be an awesome testimony for just how good Jesus is

Thoughts. ..really a war

I'm one of those people who dislikes change.  I've really got a routine and I like it and I really have great disdain for changes to the daily routine.  It's really a battle in my thoughts for how I'm going to react. If my thoughts are on point then usually I can roll with the changes.  Here lately it seems like this is my lesson to learn..are you going to stop the war in your head and just trust in the sovereignty of the Holy Spirit or am I going to allow my selfish desires and thoughts to win out.  I wish I could say more often than not I just trust but I'd be lying. I usually think most people's actions are a direct attack against me even when they're honestly just trying to see what is going on. I often have these emotional moments where I think the world is out to get me and that I'm doomed to never be anything of value.

I so desperately want to change the view that somehow I've got to get enough points racked up for God to care. I really need something to change.  I'm tired of being miserable and watching everyone else have their ducks in a row. I want my ducks in a row.

So I started a bible study. .cuz where else do you go for answers but the bible.. so I'm going to blog my journey thru this in hopes that it will actually change me not through some study but really getting a hold of the heart of the Father. 

Some thoughts in my head as of late. .

I'm one of those statistics you hear on the news of a college graduate working in a field completely unrelated to the field I studied.  I've been rejected more times than I would care to admit yet somehow I forget that feeling of not being enough until the rejection happens again and I'm left feeling like my life has been a waste.  I failed to get a teaching job and now my certification is expired and I need over 100 hours of continuing education. So what now.  Am I destined to be a person who lives paycheck to paycheck in an unfulfilling job with little chance of advancement? 
I know people say life is what you make it but I'm honestly tired of fighting to reach some unattainable goal when I watch others around me get what they've  worked so hard for. . I'm not saying I want a teaching contract but just some direction.  If the dream is gunna be taken do I have to stay in the bottom of the heap. Don't get me wrong.  I'm incredibly blessed. I just am discontent and don't know how to fix it. I really want my life to count for something. . Yet here I am working my 40 hr work week I'm a town where I have few friends and little chance to go anywhere else.
I guess I'm done. 

A turtle going in a circle..again and again

I've felt very lost and destroyed as of late, much like a turtle going in a circle over and over and over. I have been praying for a while about pursuing further education in order to specialize what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am considering going back for a degree in counseling in order to help young rape victims and their families and families that are struggling with addictions. I LOVE  LOVE working with kids just not 15 to 20 at a time, which isn't how the education system works. I wouldn't have changed my journey for anything in the world. I've been able to see the hand of God over my life in so many ways that is  just amazing! I know the next part of my journey is going to be difficult but everything in life that is difficult is usually the most rewarding!!

I'm really extremely nervous about taking and passing the GRE, we all know I detest tests but this is just one more chance for God to shine thru!

2013

I'm not so good at setting attainable goals but here is my list of things I hope to accomplish in 2013.
1. I want to work at becoming fully financially stable. This means I will stay current on all my bills from month to month. I want to be make my student loan payments each month.
2. I want to be consistent at spending quality time with Jesus each day to finally conquer some of my inner demons.
3. I want to make a healthy life choices concerning food and exercise in order to be able to teach my children healthy eating habits.
4. I want to rebuild my relationships with my family.
5. I would like to find my spouse in 2013.

I've had a few difficult years but I have this anticipation for good to come in 2013. I'm making major life changes early in 2013 and am very excited to see what happens. I'm moving closer to my family and am excited too see all the good to come.

Choices

What do you do when all of life seems to crash at the same time?  When stress on both the job and at home completely overwhelm? More and more I think the answer is found in our relationship with the Father. I know that when I am focused on how absolutely wonderful my DADDY is that all of lifes problems just seem to fade away. I'm not saying that it is easy, just possible. I know there has got to be a way to do more than focus on all the problems and still know we serve the creator of the ENTIRE universe. Does what's happening right now really affect eternity or is it just a temporary problem to living as a human...more on this later...

All things are made new

I'm choosing to see life as good and not focus on all the bad! As long as God is still on the throne and Jesus is able, EVERYTHING will be okay! I may not be living up to the status quo or be meeting the expectations that everyone thinks I need to meet, but I wouldn't change getting my freedom from all my junk for the world.  This truly amazes me...I get everything  Jesus is for exchange of my junk..doesn't compute normally..but that's grace. and extreme love. It's a beautiful exchange!