A life change

So after I got back from the wedding, I came to Commerce and ended up going to the city park which is where a lot of firsts have happened for me. For example:

1. I went to look at stars there with Amy and she asked if God can make all this can't He do whatever you need Him to.

2. 1st children's ministry outreach

3. XA leadership things

4. A converstation with Nathan that I'll never forget..the begining of really understanding grace

Anyway, the original plan was for Devon, Sajeeb and I to go down to the park and just talk..but then we couldn't find Sajeeb! So Devon and I went and talked and prayed. We prayed on the concrete thats been there for ever and its one of those moments I'll never forget. The God of all things reconfirmed to me that I'm his child and He is with me..which in my current circumstances is extremely comforting! He hasn't forgotten me..and I've got to trust him with all 100% of me..bowing sure is difficult..but I'll never be the same..

I have some really big needs right now...that need some really serious prayers

1. I need to know if I'm supposed to be pursuing a teaching contract..I want one but does God..is it the right time or does He have something else

2. If I don't pursue a contract...I need another job..and a place to stay in Lubbock

3. Am I supposed to stay in Lubbock?? Go back to school? Move elsewhere..Lots of ????s not a lot of answers..very short time to answer them in..HIGH stress

In all things..HE is soverign and has a plan! I'm going to stand on that..no matter what..and there is a lot of whats

A Wedding

I got off work on Friday morning not really wanting to have to do everything that needed to be done in such a short time...like finishing packing...changing clothes..even getting home on time. So even leaving for the wedding was a little stressful but way worth it. I landed in Dallas at like 11 and was in Tyler by 3 and then got to hang out with some of my favorite people. All but one of the groomsmen were staying at the hotel with Melissa and I. So the poor guys were like all cramped in one room and then both Melissa and I had our own beds..so I felt kinda bad for them. Chubi didn't even get to Tyler till like 8am and we were leaving at 11am and then he left again at 1am Sat...not much sleep! So anyway...I went with all the groomsmen to Meredith's parents house and ended up get the opportunity to iron all their pants and most of their shirts! I ended up accidentally burning Huy's shirt! We all laugh about it now. The wedding was absolutely amazing! So incredibly beautiful!

The reception was really fun too! I got to dance and have fun with Kason and Jeremiah! It was really funny cuz they dance all the same way to every song.

what does my future hold?!?!?!?!

As I'm writing this I'm literally almost on the verge of tears...which is pretty normal for me...especially here lately.

I started the application process again for teaching...only to find that there are a VERY VERY few Elementary positions...hum...i wonder why? maybe because of all the budget cuts...so what am I supposed to do..Its already been a year since I graduated..what about all those student loans looming over my head..I feel very lied to..what happened to the demand for teachers? What happened to all the opportunities that are supposed to happen when you get a degree...yeah apparently not for me..it seems my degree...useless..which just seeing is hard much less be able to say...so what's next..who knows..i just never thought it would be this hard..all of life suckin at one time...I'm so ready to achieve something.. that is measurable..

a rant

I feel like a complete and total failure. I left everyone I knew loved me and that I loved but for what..the one thing I said I never wanted...the American dream. I so desperately didn't want to turn into that "good christian girl" with all the expectations that come along with it. I'm so hurt and deeply wounded that I don't even know what to do from here. I'm not chasing after some dream that is unattainable just want to know that I'm doing right and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I need to decide what is right for me and do no mater what anyone says and quit trying to meet everyone elses expectations of me or what they think is best. Part of me just wants to go be alone with myself and just think. I wish I could have a thus saith the lord moment and have the doors open. I thought I was someone who could hear God but aparently not..so well see what happens from here!