oy! That is truly how i am right now. I am so done with fighting its stinking redandiculous! I want to be respected for the individual I am and not some emotional female and I am wondering how long it takes to prove myself. Seriously! I'll be the first to admit that i am emotional but heck who isn't. Live my life for a day and then tell me if you wouldn't be emotional too. So until you walk a day in someone's shoes don't stinkin judge them..FOR REAL!

So i start student teaching in like 2 weeks and still need to take my driving test.

I am in an interesting place in my life right now to say the very least. I am really questioning almost every decision in my life except the fact that I am a child of the most high God.

To be perfectly honest most of my life seems to be crumbling by most peoples standards and I really don't know what keeps me going other than the fact that I know that the Lord Jesus Christ created everything and has a plan for even this time in my life and will work everything out.

I don't actually expect anyone to read this so I guess it is ok to really spill my guts.

So here is a typical thought process that goes through my head.

How did my relationship with Christ get to where it is now? What happened to being madly in love with the Creator and how do I fall back in love with Him?

I desperately need the hand of God to move in my life mostly to show all the nay-sayers in my life that I am not some super duper emotional female who is just wandering through life and really am not sure of anything anymore.

Why do I have a job at Walmart? They aren't willing to work with my schedule and yet I desperately need a job so that if nothing as a teacher opens up I still have some way of making it and i know that God opened that door for me.

Why won't my mom fight? Why is she being so lackadaisical about the situation with my brother and why isn't God listening and moving. I know He loves. So when is the craziness going to stop? I don't even want to ask for prayer anymore because people are tired of hearing about it.

I really am struggling with church and whether or not I am supposed to be there. I don't think I have remembered a single sermon and it takes every fiber of my being just to stay awake during the service and having to go to church is not a good enough reason. I want to want to go and I don't but if i leave i am going to hurt a lot of people but i graduate in december so is it worth leaving all too confusing.

I am really stuggling with many of my relationships and don't really know why.

The only thing I know for sure is I desperately need Jesus.

Sorry about the length for those crazy enough to read this

I really believe that sometimes God has to allow my own human desires to overcome His unexplainable grace and mercy just because of my stubbornness. I say that to say that the great thing about that is that God promised if He loves me he would discipline me. We all fall short of His intended plan and purpose. It amazes me that I know so many people, including myself, that think God just forgives the sin and nothing comes from it. There are still consequences from the sin. Recently I have discovered that all to often humans try to play God and set people on the track of restoration through punishment. When true restoration only comes from the father and grace. Its not the people I have and will hurts fault or problem to come up with a way for me to come back to Jesus.

ITS MINE ALL MINE!

I NEED to rediscover grace all by myself with Jesus and not feel like I am doing it as a punishment for my sin.

Am I stupid enough to think that I didn't hurt people. Heck NO! But these relationships are mine to repair and no one else. I messed up so now I must pay the pauper in my relationships no matter how long it takes.

I would be a liar if I said all this is easy but who really wants easy. I want to say that this is my problem that I created so please let me handle it. Don't tell other people unless you know I have told them or think about how you would feel. BTW: It's gossip to talk about another person's sin.

I am sitting here after church really needing to go to sleep but thinking...What happened to my faith? Man, I have seen the hand of God move miraculously in my life yet I still find myself wrestling with sin and my own doubts. When will it end? Why is my life so crazy? I don't think I can remember a time when I needed God so much and in so many ways.

However, I am done being miserable..come hell or high water...this two shall pass...and joy will come. It always does.

Speak life or Speak death..Choose one..