This past week has been EXTREMELY challenging to say the least for me personally! I really have wondered how I fit into the move of God happening on the university and community. I so desire for it to be more than a unique discipleship experience for a few but a major move in the community as whole and I really want to pay it forward, meaning I want my life to count for something in someone else's life.
I have been asked what it would take for me to allow God to break me and heal me deeply and to be honest I think I'm there. I so desperately want to be whole and not feel like humpty dumpty inside that it makes me sick! I end up hurting the people I love the most because I feel so shattered and some I'm getting a little too close for comfort which scares me but is desperately needed. I've been friends with Nathan and Tiffani for longer than anyone in my entire life so I'm scared that they will one day give up on me like so many others. I know I'm not an easy friend. I guess that I feel like I heard the same things I hear from them and those same people failed me yet I know if anyone is going to stay by their words it is them. I need to get over myself and realize that Nathan is not some horrible person from my past that will say one thing and do another as has been proven innumerable times. I really struggle with my relationships with men and how I've been so hurt and yet I literally trust Nathan more than any man on the planet.
I know I need to be more open and less wall building but that's just scary. I keep thinking about the children of Israel though, it's like they built the walls around there cities for protection yet they always seemed to be falling and I think it's really because God is our protector not our man made walls both relationally and spiritually.
I'm really struggling with the next step in my life I really want this job at a daycare in town and I also really want to be used by God in ministry. So yet again I am very torn. I just know that I'm loved and I love so until I'm told something else to do I'm going to keep doing what God told me to do last..which is stay in Commerce.
3 comments:
Tiffani,
Doesn't it feel good to get these thoughts out in a constructive and positive way?
Wondering how you fit is the first step to actually finding your place... it warms my heart to think you are asking questions like this. This is a very good sign. :)
As you know, lasting change for our city will only come as these few disciples invest in a few more which invest in a few more... in this light, we really are a part of a major move !
We're in this together until God tells us otherwise.
We're trusting God with you for the next right step and praying for the perseverance to hold on to what He has already said until then...
Wow... I just read your "Wow! What a Week!" blog post and it brought such a big smile to my face!
Tiffani, I am really thankful for the way you were able to write that. It was very real and communicated what you wanted to say very well.
We are in this together. I love how you said you are ready to take the next step, that you were ready to receive deeper healing. So many people never get the point of really wanting to be healed. As crazy as it sounds, we tend to like the false security of our sickness more than true security of our wholeness.
I hope more people read this blog post. What God is doing in our little community of Disciples is powerful.
Much love,
Matthew
"I keep thinking about the children of Israel though, it's like they built the walls around there cities for protection yet they always seemed to be falling and I think it's really because God is our protector not our man made walls both relationally and spiritually."
Wow Tiffani! Of all you have said, which was absolutely amazing, this really stood out to me. I don't think i have really thought about it that way. I often think about how I will get hurt and therefore put those walls up really high, but what you have said is such awesome revelation to me. Thanks for sharing that and being to beautifully transparent!
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