So yet again I don't have a job. It's annoying and I'm really beginning to loose the fight. I'm tired of fighting for crap job that aren't even enough to live off of and I really don't understand why I have a degree and am applying to Mcdonalds..its just frustrating. So, now that I ranted the bad I'm going to tell the good..
So last Thursday, I went to see the Nefarious documentary and was really challenged to really allow God to heal me which is something so many people have prayed many years for me. As life typically goes, I wasn't too sure about how I was to do this. I met a girl from the Lubbock house of prayer who told me about the dream center here and I finally went today. It was incredible. For the first time in a long time I felt I could breathe without judgement..I won't go into massive detail about the conversation but just suffice it to say..it's one of those moments I'll never forget!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
I'm not a fan!
Where did I go? How do I really feel? Who am I? I seriously can't remember a time in my life where I felt so lost. I fight most days not to be angry. Angry at God, angry at the church, angry at the way life is going just plain angry. It's not healthy but it's where I am right now. Other than being angry I feel like I failed. Failed people that love me. Failed people who don't even know me but I was supposed to talk to. Failed non-christians who I am the only bible they'll ever read. I just really need JESUS right now, not one more person telling me what they think I should do or telling me something that they think is encouraging, because more often than not it isn't. I don't need to be told to listen more. I just want to know someone is on my side and accepts me, in this season I really feel ultimately alone. ABSOLUTELY ALONE which isn't a good feeling.
Sometimes I wish it was acceptable to just wander the earth seeking the answers to the depths of my soul. I keep saying and telling God I feel like the Israelites where they're just wandering in the desert..but the thing about the desert is it was a place of DEPENDENCY! They learned to be completely dependent on Him. Manna spoiled if it was kept after sundown. I seriously want to be that dependent on Him and really think that is what I'm supposed to be learning. I get asked why not go back in the ministry..truth..I haven't been given permission yet. I know that when it's right the doors will open.
Does this make life easy? Are you kidding me!? This is seriously one of the hardest times of my life..I barely have a job, am staying with some friends who thought they were signing up for a short term commitment and ended up with so much more which just stresses me out. I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else and yet I'm not good enough.
I was asked recently what I wanted with my life and honestly..to be a person who can say..I'm not a fan but a follower. I want to be a follower of Jesus and when you look at what the disciples gave up....it's absolutely crazy and not many people did it. Following is so much more than a prayer and going to church. Its about passionately pursuing Jesus with everything in you. So often all that is heard is the Jesus in a bottle that you rub and you get which is CRAP!!! Seriously! He died and you think He's just going to give you the world that He bled and died for..yeah right..trials and tribulations were promised. Then why do most of my "christian" friends tell me if your experiencing so many hard times then you must not be following Jesus. I'm talking about worship leaders in churches, people who've been in the church for long periods of times. I just don't get it. It's not the Jesus I see in the bible. It's not what I see Him asking of people.
I see Him asking 3 fishermen to drop their nets-their way of living- to follow him.
I see Him hanging out with the social outcasts, the down-and-outs and people that other "religious leaders" wouldn't dare go near. That is the Jesus I want to follow not the Jesus in a bottle!
Sometimes I wish it was acceptable to just wander the earth seeking the answers to the depths of my soul. I keep saying and telling God I feel like the Israelites where they're just wandering in the desert..but the thing about the desert is it was a place of DEPENDENCY! They learned to be completely dependent on Him. Manna spoiled if it was kept after sundown. I seriously want to be that dependent on Him and really think that is what I'm supposed to be learning. I get asked why not go back in the ministry..truth..I haven't been given permission yet. I know that when it's right the doors will open.
Does this make life easy? Are you kidding me!? This is seriously one of the hardest times of my life..I barely have a job, am staying with some friends who thought they were signing up for a short term commitment and ended up with so much more which just stresses me out. I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else and yet I'm not good enough.
I was asked recently what I wanted with my life and honestly..to be a person who can say..I'm not a fan but a follower. I want to be a follower of Jesus and when you look at what the disciples gave up....it's absolutely crazy and not many people did it. Following is so much more than a prayer and going to church. Its about passionately pursuing Jesus with everything in you. So often all that is heard is the Jesus in a bottle that you rub and you get which is CRAP!!! Seriously! He died and you think He's just going to give you the world that He bled and died for..yeah right..trials and tribulations were promised. Then why do most of my "christian" friends tell me if your experiencing so many hard times then you must not be following Jesus. I'm talking about worship leaders in churches, people who've been in the church for long periods of times. I just don't get it. It's not the Jesus I see in the bible. It's not what I see Him asking of people.
I see Him asking 3 fishermen to drop their nets-their way of living- to follow him.
I see Him hanging out with the social outcasts, the down-and-outs and people that other "religious leaders" wouldn't dare go near. That is the Jesus I want to follow not the Jesus in a bottle!
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